At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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