Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
