Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
