I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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