the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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