My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
