So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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