I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
