Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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