I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
