Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
