why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
