opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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