u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
