I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
