Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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