If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
