dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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