Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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