Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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