Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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