she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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