Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
