Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
