Banned from zoo.
Again?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The Olympian is in my bed
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