there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
