I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
