So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my shit smells like andre
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
