and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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