he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
