I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
