is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize