she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
