i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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