I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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