Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
