my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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