I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
