So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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