the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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