I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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