I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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