at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
