I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
