Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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