if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Randomize
