9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
