Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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