I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
