I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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