even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
