Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
