I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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