I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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