True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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