I wish my penis had an off switch
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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