guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
