I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
