hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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