I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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